1 00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:05,504 This is the story of two sisters, 2 00:00:05,505 --> 00:00:08,007 Jessica Tate 3 00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,009 and Mary Campbell. 4 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:13,512 These are the Tates, 5 00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:17,516 and these are the Campbells. 6 00:00:17,517 --> 00:00:20,019 And this is Soap. 7 00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:47,613 So my friends, if we do not strike immediately, 8 00:00:47,614 --> 00:00:48,614 the Communists will destroy us. 9 00:00:48,615 --> 00:00:53,118 If we do not attack now, Malaguay will be lost forever. 10 00:00:53,119 --> 00:00:54,119 Now, I say attack. 11 00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:56,121 Vaya, vaya! Yo, tambien. 12 00:00:56,122 --> 00:00:57,123 Marina del Rey. 13 00:00:59,125 --> 00:01:02,127 We must squash them before they squash us. 14 00:01:02,128 --> 00:01:04,129 They already squashed us, remember? 15 00:01:04,130 --> 00:01:05,130 Juan... 16 00:01:05,131 --> 00:01:06,131 We were squashed pretty good 17 00:01:06,132 --> 00:01:08,634 like a bug on a screen door, 18 00:01:08,635 --> 00:01:10,135 like a rat in a trap, 19 00:01:10,136 --> 00:01:13,639 like grapes under an Italian widow's feet. 20 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,641 Have you finished, Juan One? 21 00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:16,642 Oh, s?. 22 00:01:16,643 --> 00:01:18,143 Oh, good. 23 00:01:18,144 --> 00:01:22,147 The point is, they are after me and I must strike first 24 00:01:22,148 --> 00:01:24,149 or I will never strike at all. 25 00:01:24,150 --> 00:01:28,153 I said those very words to Winston Churchill. 26 00:01:28,154 --> 00:01:30,155 "Pudge," I said... 27 00:01:30,156 --> 00:01:32,658 I was the only one who could call him Pudge. 28 00:01:32,659 --> 00:01:33,659 Excuse me Major... 29 00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:35,661 "Puffy," I said... 30 00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:37,229 I also called him Puffy. 31 00:01:37,230 --> 00:01:38,730 Uh, Gramps... 32 00:01:38,731 --> 00:01:44,236 I also called him Harriet, but I can't remember why. 33 00:01:44,237 --> 00:01:48,240 I do not understand, O hog of hogs. 34 00:01:48,241 --> 00:01:50,742 What is this about your last chance? 35 00:01:50,743 --> 00:01:53,745 I'm afraid the word is out, O beloved Juan One. 36 00:01:53,746 --> 00:01:55,747 The Communists are after me. 37 00:01:55,748 --> 00:01:59,251 Yes. They may already be here in Connecticut. 38 00:01:59,252 --> 00:02:00,252 I am a marked man. 39 00:02:00,253 --> 00:02:02,254 No, is not true. 40 00:02:02,255 --> 00:02:06,258 Assassinate El Puerco? They cannot, they must not. 41 00:02:06,259 --> 00:02:08,760 Oh, curse of curses. 42 00:02:08,761 --> 00:02:09,761 Oh, horror of horrors. 43 00:02:09,762 --> 00:02:10,762 Oh, waiter, 44 00:02:10,763 --> 00:02:11,764 a pi?a colada. 45 00:02:16,269 --> 00:02:18,270 Hey, big guy. Hey, everybody, big guy is here. 46 00:02:18,271 --> 00:02:19,771 Hey, how do you do, big guy? 47 00:02:19,772 --> 00:02:21,273 Billy, what is this? 48 00:02:21,274 --> 00:02:22,774 A note. 49 00:02:22,775 --> 00:02:25,277 I see that it's a note Billy. It's in Spanish. 50 00:02:25,278 --> 00:02:27,279 Why did you write me an urgent note in Spanish? 51 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:29,781 All I could make out is Malaguay revolution. 52 00:02:29,782 --> 00:02:31,783 Why didn't you just tell me in English? 53 00:02:31,784 --> 00:02:33,285 You'll get mad in English. 54 00:02:33,286 --> 00:02:36,289 Uh, Uncle Chester maybe Bob can translate. 55 00:02:38,791 --> 00:02:41,293 Yeah, huh, yeah, ah, yeah. 56 00:02:41,294 --> 00:02:44,296 "Dear Dad, I'm going to fight the Communist regime 57 00:02:44,297 --> 00:02:45,297 "with El Puerco. 58 00:02:45,298 --> 00:02:46,798 "Together we can save the world 59 00:02:46,799 --> 00:02:49,801 "from this terrible disease known as Communism. 60 00:02:49,802 --> 00:02:51,270 Love, Billy." 61 00:02:51,271 --> 00:02:53,772 Billy you're going to fight a revolution? 62 00:02:53,773 --> 00:02:55,274 It's mostly paperwork. 63 00:02:55,275 --> 00:02:58,277 You're not going to fight the Communists, that's final. 64 00:02:58,278 --> 00:02:59,278 But Dad... 65 00:02:59,279 --> 00:03:01,280 I forbid you to crawl through swamps 66 00:03:01,281 --> 00:03:03,782 and raid filthy little villages. 67 00:03:03,783 --> 00:03:05,785 Would it be okay if he drove us to the airport? 68 00:03:08,288 --> 00:03:11,290 You. First you try to steal my wife, 69 00:03:11,291 --> 00:03:12,791 then you tried to steal my son 70 00:03:12,792 --> 00:03:14,293 for your ridiculous revolution. 71 00:03:14,294 --> 00:03:16,795 I want you out of our lives this minute. 72 00:03:16,796 --> 00:03:19,798 I want you out of our house and away from my wife, now! 73 00:03:19,799 --> 00:03:20,799 No. 74 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,301 Tuesday? 75 00:03:22,302 --> 00:03:25,804 Look, look we've got a country to attack. 76 00:03:25,805 --> 00:03:27,306 This really doesn't concern you. 77 00:03:27,307 --> 00:03:29,308 Why don't you just take off like a nice man, huh? 78 00:03:29,309 --> 00:03:30,809 Dog. 79 00:03:30,810 --> 00:03:33,812 What did you call me? 80 00:03:33,813 --> 00:03:36,816 Dog. Double dog. 81 00:03:43,323 --> 00:03:47,827 You dare to call the pig a dog? 82 00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:53,332 No man has ever said that to me and lived. 83 00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:56,335 Dog, dog, dog. 84 00:03:56,336 --> 00:03:59,838 Oh, boy, did you say too much! 85 00:03:59,839 --> 00:04:00,839 Dog, dog, dog, dog, dog, dog. 86 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,341 What're you gonna do about that? 87 00:04:02,342 --> 00:04:05,344 All right, big guy, hey! That took a lot of nerve. 88 00:04:05,345 --> 00:04:07,846 I'm surprised he doesn't challenge you to a duel. 89 00:04:07,847 --> 00:04:09,848 I'd never say nothing like that to nobody 90 00:04:09,849 --> 00:04:11,850 who I thought might challenge me to a duel. 91 00:04:11,851 --> 00:04:12,851 Dutch. Hey, hey. 92 00:04:12,852 --> 00:04:14,353 What about it, El Puerco? 93 00:04:14,354 --> 00:04:16,355 Are you going to challenge him to a duel? 94 00:04:16,356 --> 00:04:18,357 Or are you going to take that crap sitting down? 95 00:04:18,358 --> 00:04:21,360 I challenge you to a duel. 96 00:04:21,361 --> 00:04:23,362 I knew it, I knew it. 97 00:04:23,363 --> 00:04:25,364 He challenged you to a duel, big guy. 98 00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:27,366 Pistolas. 99 00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:30,369 Fine, you've got it. 100 00:04:30,370 --> 00:04:32,371 Pistolas it is. 101 00:04:32,372 --> 00:04:33,872 Tomorrow. Tomorrow. 102 00:04:33,873 --> 00:04:35,374 Tomorrow is bad. Thursday is better. 103 00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:36,875 At dawn. 104 00:04:36,876 --> 00:04:39,879 Dawn? What do you think I am, a farmer? 105 00:04:41,381 --> 00:04:42,882 I was thinking 11-ish. 106 00:04:44,884 --> 00:04:47,886 Dad, I really don't think dueling is such a good idea. 107 00:04:47,887 --> 00:04:50,389 Don't worry about your old Dad, son. 108 00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:54,893 I think it's only fair to tell you, El Puerco, 109 00:04:54,894 --> 00:04:55,894 that I finished third 110 00:04:55,895 --> 00:04:59,898 in the Dunn's River handgun shoot for men, 1965. 111 00:04:59,899 --> 00:05:03,402 I can shoot the eye out of a fly at 100 paces. 112 00:05:03,403 --> 00:05:06,905 Of course, we shouldn't rule out swords. 113 00:05:06,906 --> 00:05:08,907 I've won various fencing tournaments 114 00:05:08,908 --> 00:05:10,909 since I was 3 years old. 115 00:05:10,910 --> 00:05:12,911 Do you think you can make a fool out of me 116 00:05:12,912 --> 00:05:14,913 in front of my family? 117 00:05:14,914 --> 00:05:17,416 Oh, anywhere, actually. 118 00:05:18,418 --> 00:05:23,923 Pistols it is, Thursday, 11 sharp. 119 00:05:39,439 --> 00:05:41,440 And so, in conclusion, 120 00:05:41,441 --> 00:05:43,942 I say to you esteemed senators of these United States, 121 00:05:43,943 --> 00:05:50,449 what will save America, is a safe America. 122 00:05:52,952 --> 00:05:54,953 Good night. Good night. 123 00:05:57,457 --> 00:06:00,459 All right, so, what did you think? It was dramatic? 124 00:06:00,460 --> 00:06:02,861 I can see you're speechless, but it's okay, come on. 125 00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:04,830 You were moved, is that right? Nod your head. 126 00:06:04,831 --> 00:06:06,331 Be honest. 127 00:06:06,332 --> 00:06:09,334 Well, I was bored, actually. 128 00:06:09,335 --> 00:06:11,336 Bored? 129 00:06:11,337 --> 00:06:13,338 You were bored? 130 00:06:13,339 --> 00:06:14,840 You wanted me to be honest, sheriff. 131 00:06:14,841 --> 00:06:17,843 I think the speech could use a few jokes. 132 00:06:17,844 --> 00:06:19,845 I'm about to address the senate of these United States 133 00:06:19,846 --> 00:06:21,346 and this guy suggests jokes. 134 00:06:21,347 --> 00:06:22,347 If they wanted jokes, 135 00:06:22,348 --> 00:06:24,349 they would've asked Henny Youngman to speak. 136 00:06:24,350 --> 00:06:25,851 Sit down, we'll start this again. 137 00:06:28,855 --> 00:06:29,855 Hi. 138 00:06:29,856 --> 00:06:32,357 Hi! Oh, hey, Jess. 139 00:06:32,358 --> 00:06:33,859 May I come in? 140 00:06:33,860 --> 00:06:35,861 Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, yeah, sure, come on in here. 141 00:06:35,862 --> 00:06:38,363 Wait a minute, wait a minute, how did you get by security? 142 00:06:38,364 --> 00:06:39,865 Security? 143 00:06:39,866 --> 00:06:42,367 Perkins, why aren't you out there? 144 00:06:42,368 --> 00:06:44,369 You wanted me to listen to your speech. 145 00:06:44,370 --> 00:06:46,371 Why didn't you get Leon to standby for you? 146 00:06:46,372 --> 00:06:47,873 Leon had to go to the dentist. 147 00:06:47,874 --> 00:06:49,875 He was eating a Bit-O-Honey bar 148 00:06:49,876 --> 00:06:52,377 and the caps came off his front teeth 149 00:06:52,378 --> 00:06:54,379 and he was walking around with these little spikes. 150 00:06:54,380 --> 00:06:59,384 That happened to me one time, it was so embarrassing. 151 00:06:59,385 --> 00:07:00,886 Thank you, Perkins, you can go. 152 00:07:00,887 --> 00:07:02,387 But it's good for corn, though. 153 00:07:02,388 --> 00:07:03,388 Corn? 154 00:07:03,389 --> 00:07:04,389 Yeah, Perkins, you can go. 155 00:07:04,390 --> 00:07:06,892 For eating corn on the cob, those little spikes... 156 00:07:06,893 --> 00:07:10,395 Oh, what a wonderful idea. 157 00:07:10,396 --> 00:07:12,898 Corn's out of season. 158 00:07:12,899 --> 00:07:16,401 Perkins, would you go? 159 00:07:16,402 --> 00:07:17,402 Yes, sir. 160 00:07:17,403 --> 00:07:18,904 Now? 161 00:07:18,905 --> 00:07:19,905 Now. 162 00:07:21,407 --> 00:07:22,908 Here. Here. 163 00:07:26,913 --> 00:07:28,413 Uh, what's up? 164 00:07:28,414 --> 00:07:33,418 Oh, Burt, I cannot tell you what a thrill it is 165 00:07:33,419 --> 00:07:35,420 for me to see you in the flesh. 166 00:07:35,421 --> 00:07:37,923 Jess, come on. 167 00:07:37,924 --> 00:07:38,924 Oh, no. I mean it. 168 00:07:38,925 --> 00:07:40,425 I mean you're you, of course, 169 00:07:40,426 --> 00:07:41,927 and you always have been you, 170 00:07:41,928 --> 00:07:43,929 but I mean, now that I see you on television, 171 00:07:43,930 --> 00:07:45,931 you are a little different than you were, 172 00:07:45,932 --> 00:07:47,432 even though you're not. 173 00:07:47,433 --> 00:07:50,435 I know what you're talking about. 174 00:07:50,436 --> 00:07:52,437 To tell you the truth, now, you may not believe this, 175 00:07:52,438 --> 00:07:54,940 but sometimes, when I look at myself in the mirror, 176 00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:59,444 I'm overwhelmed that I am in the same room with me. 177 00:07:59,445 --> 00:08:02,447 Of course. Do you know what? 178 00:08:02,448 --> 00:08:05,951 I saw you last week on Phil Donahue's show. 179 00:08:05,952 --> 00:08:07,953 Yeah, oh, yeah. 180 00:08:07,954 --> 00:08:11,456 What's he really like? He's so cute. 181 00:08:11,457 --> 00:08:14,459 Nice guy, good head of hair. 182 00:08:14,460 --> 00:08:16,461 You know, I watch him every day, 183 00:08:16,462 --> 00:08:20,465 and I never hear a word he says, because he's so adorable. 184 00:08:20,466 --> 00:08:23,468 I bet Marlo sits across from him at breakfast and thinks, 185 00:08:23,469 --> 00:08:27,973 "My God, that's Phil Donahue!" 186 00:08:27,974 --> 00:08:30,976 And he probably looks at her and thinks, 187 00:08:30,977 --> 00:08:34,980 "My God, that's Marlo Thomas I'm with." 188 00:08:34,981 --> 00:08:37,482 And the two of them never say a word to each other, 189 00:08:37,483 --> 00:08:39,985 because, I mean, they're just so knocked out by it all. 190 00:08:39,986 --> 00:08:44,489 Then they get a divorce because there's no communication. 191 00:08:44,490 --> 00:08:47,993 It's a shame, because they seem like a nice couple. 192 00:08:47,994 --> 00:08:49,494 Wait, wait, wait, wait, Jessica. 193 00:08:49,495 --> 00:08:51,496 Did you come in here for something in particular? 194 00:08:51,497 --> 00:08:53,498 Oh, yes, Burt, I did. 195 00:08:53,499 --> 00:08:56,501 Burt, I am watching one of the best marriages in the world 196 00:08:56,502 --> 00:08:59,004 being destroyed, and it breaks my heart. 197 00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:00,505 Jessica, Phil and Marlo are fine, 198 00:09:00,506 --> 00:09:03,008 their marriage is terrific, you have nothing to worry about. 199 00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:08,013 Burt, not their marriage, your marriage. 200 00:09:08,014 --> 00:09:10,516 Yeah, well, that's another story. 201 00:09:12,018 --> 00:09:17,022 You see, Burt, your marriage has always been so special, 202 00:09:17,023 --> 00:09:19,524 that I just hate to see it in a bad way, 203 00:09:19,525 --> 00:09:25,030 and I want to make one little suggestion, Burt, huh? 204 00:09:25,031 --> 00:09:27,532 What about therapy? 205 00:09:27,533 --> 00:09:32,537 Therapy? 206 00:09:32,538 --> 00:09:35,040 What you mean... You mean... You mean, a shrink? 207 00:09:35,041 --> 00:09:37,042 Burt, there are an awful lot of good ones 208 00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:38,543 that work with couples. 209 00:09:38,544 --> 00:09:41,546 I hate shrinks. Guys who get paid to sit there and nod 210 00:09:41,547 --> 00:09:44,549 and blame your mother. 211 00:09:44,550 --> 00:09:46,551 Burt, I'm not sure that they blame anyone, 212 00:09:46,552 --> 00:09:51,056 but what they help couples do is focus on their problems. 213 00:09:51,057 --> 00:09:53,058 That's what's wrong with this world today, 214 00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:55,060 everybody is focusing, they all focus. 215 00:09:55,061 --> 00:09:57,062 They're focusing on marriages everywhere. 216 00:09:57,063 --> 00:09:59,064 In newspapers, magazines, on television, 217 00:09:59,065 --> 00:10:00,565 in the movies. I'll tell you something, 218 00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:03,068 I'm so sick of watching Jill Clayburgh's marriages 219 00:10:03,069 --> 00:10:05,071 go down the drain, I can't tell you. 220 00:10:06,572 --> 00:10:09,574 And that's what comes from this divorce. 221 00:10:09,575 --> 00:10:13,578 In the olden days, they had other things they did... 222 00:10:13,579 --> 00:10:16,081 like walking. 223 00:10:16,082 --> 00:10:19,084 Walking? 224 00:10:19,085 --> 00:10:21,086 Yeah, nobody had a car, everybody just... 225 00:10:21,087 --> 00:10:23,088 They walked around all over the place. 226 00:10:23,089 --> 00:10:24,089 They walked for hours every day, 227 00:10:24,090 --> 00:10:25,590 and their marriages were terrific. 228 00:10:25,591 --> 00:10:29,094 Somehow or another I don't think that will help here. 229 00:10:29,095 --> 00:10:32,097 I don't think walking is the answer. 230 00:10:32,098 --> 00:10:34,099 A shrink's not the answer either, I'll tell you that. 231 00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:35,600 Well, 232 00:10:35,601 --> 00:10:38,603 what do you think will help, Burt? 233 00:10:38,604 --> 00:10:40,105 I don't know, I... 234 00:10:40,106 --> 00:10:43,608 Maybe nothing can help Mary and me. 235 00:10:43,609 --> 00:10:48,113 Jessica, I got to get... I got things to do. Excuse me. 236 00:10:58,624 --> 00:10:59,624 Oh, no! 237 00:10:59,625 --> 00:11:00,625 Oh, God! 238 00:11:00,626 --> 00:11:01,626 Oh, jeez! 239 00:11:01,627 --> 00:11:02,627 Oh, why! 240 00:11:02,628 --> 00:11:03,628 I don't believe this. 241 00:11:03,629 --> 00:11:05,130 Oh, this is terrible! 242 00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:07,132 Should we turn on the lights? 243 00:11:07,133 --> 00:11:09,634 I think eventually we're gonna have to. 244 00:11:09,635 --> 00:11:11,136 I guess you're right. 245 00:11:15,641 --> 00:11:18,643 This is the worst thing I ever did. 246 00:11:18,644 --> 00:11:19,644 Oh, me too! 247 00:11:19,645 --> 00:11:21,646 Absolutely the most horrible, 248 00:11:21,647 --> 00:11:23,148 miserable thing that ever happened. 249 00:11:23,149 --> 00:11:24,149 It was shocking. 250 00:11:24,150 --> 00:11:25,150 It was great. 251 00:11:25,151 --> 00:11:27,152 The best. 252 00:11:27,153 --> 00:11:30,155 It would be okay if it wasn't so great, 253 00:11:30,156 --> 00:11:32,657 but it was great, so this is really terrible. 254 00:11:32,658 --> 00:11:35,160 Why did it have to be so terrific? 255 00:11:35,161 --> 00:11:36,661 I don't need this. 256 00:11:36,662 --> 00:11:38,663 If it wouldn't have been so terrific, 257 00:11:38,664 --> 00:11:39,664 I could have just said, 258 00:11:39,665 --> 00:11:42,167 "Well, that wasn't so terrific." 259 00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:44,002 But it was terrific, 260 00:11:44,003 --> 00:11:46,438 so now, I don't know what to say, other than, 261 00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:48,440 "I'd like to do it again." 262 00:11:48,441 --> 00:11:49,441 Danny. 263 00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:50,942 Oh, my God! 264 00:11:50,943 --> 00:11:51,943 What am I saying? 265 00:11:51,944 --> 00:11:54,946 What kind of an animal am I? 266 00:11:54,947 --> 00:11:57,949 I just made it with my stepmother. 267 00:11:57,950 --> 00:12:01,953 Gee, I wish you hadn't said that. 268 00:12:01,954 --> 00:12:05,958 We've committed inquest. 269 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:11,963 Danny, that's "incest," and we did not commit incest. 270 00:12:11,964 --> 00:12:15,967 We committed filth, but we didn't commit incest. 271 00:12:15,968 --> 00:12:17,469 Incest is with your own blood. 272 00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:20,972 What if Chester came through that door right now 273 00:12:20,973 --> 00:12:21,973 and found us in bed? 274 00:12:21,974 --> 00:12:22,974 Oh! 275 00:12:22,975 --> 00:12:24,476 My own father 276 00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:26,478 finds his son in bed with his wife, 277 00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:28,980 who's my mother. 278 00:12:28,981 --> 00:12:31,983 I am not your mother! Would you quit saying that? 279 00:12:31,984 --> 00:12:33,985 You make me feel old. 280 00:12:33,986 --> 00:12:37,489 All right, you're gonna have to face some facts right now. 281 00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:39,991 First of all, you are my stepmother, 282 00:12:39,992 --> 00:12:42,494 but you're not old. 283 00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:44,996 You're young and beautiful 284 00:12:44,997 --> 00:12:48,466 and gorgeous and soft and you smell nice. 285 00:12:48,467 --> 00:12:51,469 And even if you were old, you'd still be beautiful. 286 00:12:51,470 --> 00:12:54,472 Because beauty is not in the eye of the beholder, 287 00:12:54,473 --> 00:12:56,975 it's in your face. 288 00:12:56,976 --> 00:13:00,478 You got a great face. 289 00:13:00,479 --> 00:13:01,980 I do? 290 00:13:04,984 --> 00:13:07,986 I think we better just forget this ever happened. 291 00:13:07,987 --> 00:13:09,487 Fine. 292 00:13:09,488 --> 00:13:11,489 It happened. Okay. 293 00:13:11,490 --> 00:13:14,993 We can't take that back, but it's over and that's that. 294 00:13:14,994 --> 00:13:16,494 I agree. 295 00:13:16,495 --> 00:13:17,996 And we'll never mention it again. 296 00:13:17,997 --> 00:13:19,998 Fine. 297 00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:22,500 We'll just do it once more, and that's that. 298 00:13:33,078 --> 00:13:34,579 Thank you. Mm-hm. 299 00:13:34,580 --> 00:13:38,082 It was very nice of you to call me, Mary. 300 00:13:38,083 --> 00:13:41,085 Well, I thought since you and Jodie were planning on 301 00:13:41,086 --> 00:13:43,588 tying the knot, it would be nice if we had a little chat. 302 00:13:43,589 --> 00:13:48,092 You know, I haven't seen Jodie since he started his therapy. 303 00:13:48,093 --> 00:13:49,093 How's he doing? 304 00:13:49,094 --> 00:13:52,597 Oh, fine, fine, just fine. Right, Chuck? 305 00:13:52,598 --> 00:13:54,098 Oh, yeah, yeah, fine. 306 00:13:54,099 --> 00:13:57,602 Yeah, you'd hardly recognize him. Ha, ha, ha! 307 00:13:57,603 --> 00:13:59,103 Oh? In what way? 308 00:13:59,104 --> 00:14:01,105 Oh, he's an entirely different person. 309 00:14:02,608 --> 00:14:05,610 Is he home now? 310 00:14:05,611 --> 00:14:07,612 Oh, yes. He'll be down in a minute. 311 00:14:07,613 --> 00:14:10,114 Maggie, I think there's something 312 00:14:10,115 --> 00:14:12,116 you should be made aware of. 313 00:14:12,117 --> 00:14:16,120 Just a gigolo Everywhere I go... 314 00:14:16,121 --> 00:14:18,122 What was that? 315 00:14:18,123 --> 00:14:20,124 What? 316 00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:21,626 Are you going to tell her or not? 317 00:14:21,627 --> 00:14:24,128 Mary, please tell me. 318 00:14:24,129 --> 00:14:27,131 Jodie is... not Jodie. 319 00:14:27,132 --> 00:14:31,302 Jodie is... an old Jewish man. 320 00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:40,879 Mary, if you don't want me to marry your son, 321 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,380 you just come right out and tell me. 322 00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:44,549 Maggie... 323 00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:45,617 It's only a paper moon 324 00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:48,620 Sailing over A cardboard sea 325 00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:50,622 But it wouldn't be Make-believe 326 00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:52,624 If you believed in me 327 00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:54,626 Dat, dah, dah, dah, dah 328 00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:58,129 Dat, dat, dat, dat Dat, dat, dah, yeah 329 00:14:58,130 --> 00:14:59,631 Dah, dah... 330 00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:01,633 Oh, my God. 331 00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:03,635 Hey, Chuck-aly and Bob-aly. 332 00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:09,641 I got a little gas. 333 00:15:09,642 --> 00:15:11,142 Oh, yeah. 334 00:15:11,143 --> 00:15:12,644 Julius. 335 00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:14,646 Oy, the Rockette. 336 00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:17,148 Hi, Elaine, what's cooking? 337 00:15:17,149 --> 00:15:19,150 Oh, my God! 338 00:15:19,151 --> 00:15:22,153 Julius, say hello to Maggie. 339 00:15:22,154 --> 00:15:23,488 A redhead. 340 00:15:23,489 --> 00:15:25,990 Woof! 341 00:15:25,991 --> 00:15:28,993 You want to go out. 342 00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:30,995 Bobby, lend me a bisel gelt. 343 00:15:30,996 --> 00:15:32,497 Gornisht. 344 00:15:32,498 --> 00:15:34,499 Oh, my God! 345 00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:37,502 This is your fianc?e, remember? 346 00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:40,505 You and she are going to get married. 347 00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:43,508 The redhead wants to marry me? 348 00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:45,511 I'll put on a tie. 349 00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:48,513 No, Jodie... Uh, Julius. 350 00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:49,514 What? 351 00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:51,516 Please, sit down for a bit. 352 00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:53,519 I'll be there in a half an hour. 353 00:15:57,022 --> 00:15:59,524 Get acquainted. 354 00:16:02,528 --> 00:16:04,529 You Jewish? 355 00:16:04,530 --> 00:16:06,531 What happened to him? 356 00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:08,032 Hypnosis. 357 00:16:08,033 --> 00:16:09,534 He got stuck in a past life, 358 00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:12,036 he thinks he's Julius Kassendorf. 359 00:16:12,037 --> 00:16:16,040 Maggie, I'm supposed to marry you? 360 00:16:16,041 --> 00:16:18,109 Did we get in trouble? 361 00:16:18,110 --> 00:16:21,179 No, no, no, not at all. 362 00:16:21,180 --> 00:16:23,682 Is there any possibility we could? 363 00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:27,986 Boys, I think that maybe we should leave 364 00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,488 Julius and Maggie alone to talk. 365 00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:34,492 Ah, yeah, yeah, good idea, good idea, leave us alone. 366 00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:36,494 Good, good. We need anything, we'll call. 367 00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:38,763 Goodbye, good luck. 368 00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:42,834 You want me to make you a little cocktail? 369 00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:44,836 Oh, no, thank you. 370 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:45,837 Bobby. 371 00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:46,838 Boss. 372 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,841 Eh, make me a whiskey mit soda. 373 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,343 Okey-dokey. 374 00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,346 He's a nice boy. 375 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,350 He's made out of wood, you know. 376 00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:01,853 Oh, Jodie! 377 00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:04,356 But he doesn't have all his organs. 378 00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:07,358 Now, let's go take a nap. 379 00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:12,864 Jodie, listen, can we just sit down here for a little while? 380 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:13,865 Why not? 381 00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,867 Sitting is nice. 382 00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,869 I like sitting. 383 00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:23,875 Sitting is very good. I love sitting. 384 00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,878 That's enough sitting, let's smooch. 385 00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:30,381 Jodie. 386 00:17:30,382 --> 00:17:33,384 Don't you remember me at all? 387 00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:34,886 No. 388 00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:39,390 I'm sorry. I wish I did. 389 00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:42,894 You seem like a nice person. 390 00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,897 I've been confusing a lot of people lately 391 00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:49,400 and I don't wish to confuse you. 392 00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:56,908 I like you, and I wish I didn't make you so unhappy. 393 00:17:56,909 --> 00:18:01,412 Well, I wish you would come back again, Jodie. 394 00:18:01,413 --> 00:18:04,415 I wish you would remember. 395 00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:08,419 Maybe if I held you a little bit, it might help. 396 00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:10,422 Yeah. 397 00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:16,428 Here. 398 00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:19,931 Oh, yeah. 399 00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:23,936 Something's happening. 400 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:32,945 Hey, it's getting clearer. It's getting clearer. It's... 401 00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,949 No, nothing. 402 00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,952 Maybe if I held you a little closer, 403 00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,956 and give you a peckle on the cheek. 404 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,462 Yeah, yeah. 405 00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:54,299 I'm remembering nice now. 406 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,801 Oh, Jodie! 407 00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:59,304 Maybe if you talk dirty for a little while. 408 00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:11,983 And so this is no longer the America of our childhood, 409 00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:14,986 of unlocked doors, and walks on a summer night. 410 00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,487 This is a country at war. 411 00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:18,990 A country where we are no longer safe. 412 00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,492 Not only in our streets, but in our own homes. 413 00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:24,495 And that's because the criminals are taking over. 414 00:19:24,496 --> 00:19:26,998 And these criminals, 415 00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,500 they're not afraid of the police or the courts. 416 00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:32,503 So who's left to stop them? 417 00:19:32,504 --> 00:19:35,506 The citizens. 418 00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:39,010 Always the last resort, the American citizens. 419 00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:42,513 We must not give in. We must not let them take over. 420 00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:45,016 We must once again have a country 421 00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:46,517 where we do walk home on a summer night 422 00:19:46,518 --> 00:19:48,019 and sleep with the windows open, 423 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,521 and not be afraid. 424 00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,526 Thank you, Sheriff Campbell. 425 00:19:55,527 --> 00:19:58,029 We are now open for questions from the floor. 426 00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,530 Senator Cott of New York. 427 00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:01,032 Thank you, Mr. Chairman. 428 00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,533 Are you suggesting, Sheriff Campbell, 429 00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:04,035 that we arm every citizen? 430 00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:05,536 Because if you are, 431 00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:07,038 I'm afraid we're gonna have to be afraid 432 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:09,040 Shooting each other. 433 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:12,043 No, I'm not talking about, "Everybody should get a gun." 434 00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:15,046 All I'm saying is that we have to be one, aware, 435 00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:17,048 and two, ready to defend. 436 00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:19,050 And that doesn't have to be a gun, 437 00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:21,552 it could be self-defense classes, tear gas, 438 00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:22,553 dogs, 439 00:20:22,554 --> 00:20:25,056 bats. 440 00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:28,492 Which, by the way, I now manufacture. 441 00:20:28,493 --> 00:20:29,994 Senator Golderow of Oregon. 442 00:20:29,995 --> 00:20:31,495 You're manufacturing bats? 443 00:20:31,496 --> 00:20:32,997 Yes, sir. 444 00:20:32,998 --> 00:20:37,501 It's the Bat Campbell bat. It's one-size-hits-all. 445 00:20:37,502 --> 00:20:40,004 That's a major concern to me, sheriff, 446 00:20:40,005 --> 00:20:42,006 because if you want bats for everyone, 447 00:20:42,007 --> 00:20:43,507 then let me assure you 448 00:20:43,508 --> 00:20:46,510 there will not be one tree left in America. 449 00:20:46,511 --> 00:20:50,514 You will eliminate shade, and we will all die from sunstroke. 450 00:20:50,515 --> 00:20:54,018 Which is far less pleasant than being murdered. 451 00:20:54,019 --> 00:20:56,520 No, sir. I don't think we're all gonna die from sunstroke. 452 00:20:56,521 --> 00:20:59,023 Not to mention, of course, the birds. 453 00:20:59,024 --> 00:21:01,525 The birds? 454 00:21:01,526 --> 00:21:04,028 Where will the birds live? 455 00:21:04,029 --> 00:21:07,531 And then the birds die, and you got a worm problem. 456 00:21:07,532 --> 00:21:09,033 We'll have worms everywhere... 457 00:21:09,034 --> 00:21:10,534 Mr. Chairman. 458 00:21:10,535 --> 00:21:11,535 Will the senator from Oregon 459 00:21:11,536 --> 00:21:13,537 yield to the senator from New York? 460 00:21:13,538 --> 00:21:17,541 Senator, I appreciate your concern for birds and worms, 461 00:21:17,542 --> 00:21:20,044 but I'm more concerned about people. 462 00:21:20,045 --> 00:21:22,046 I don't think increasing violence 463 00:21:22,047 --> 00:21:24,049 is the answer to increased violence. 464 00:21:26,051 --> 00:21:28,552 Senator Laughton of Alabama. Thank you, Mr. Chairman. 465 00:21:28,553 --> 00:21:32,556 I wish to refute what my liberal pinko colleague 466 00:21:32,557 --> 00:21:36,060 from the great intellectual state of New York just said. 467 00:21:36,061 --> 00:21:40,064 Killing is as American as apple pie. 468 00:21:40,065 --> 00:21:43,000 We have to kill to live. 469 00:21:43,001 --> 00:21:46,504 If you're sick of being killed, you kill first. 470 00:21:46,505 --> 00:21:48,873 Nothing wrong with killing, 471 00:21:48,874 --> 00:21:51,876 as long as you kill the right person. 472 00:21:51,877 --> 00:21:54,879 Well, it seems we're out of time, gentlemen. 473 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,881 Sheriff Campbell, is there anything 474 00:21:56,882 --> 00:21:58,382 you wish to say in closing? 475 00:21:58,383 --> 00:22:01,886 Uh, yes, sir. I just want to say that with a little work 476 00:22:01,887 --> 00:22:04,388 we can make this country safe again. 477 00:22:04,389 --> 00:22:07,892 All that's needed here is awareness, which we now have, 478 00:22:07,893 --> 00:22:09,894 and action, which we're soon going to take. 479 00:22:09,895 --> 00:22:12,396 And I want to thank you very much for being here. 480 00:22:12,397 --> 00:22:14,899 It's an honor and a privilege, and I thank you very much. 481 00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:16,400 Thank you, Sheriff Campbell. 482 00:22:16,401 --> 00:22:17,902 This hearing is adjourned. 483 00:22:17,903 --> 00:22:21,406 Listen, I got the Bat Campbell bat for everybody over here. 484 00:22:22,407 --> 00:22:23,908 There you go, sir. 485 00:22:23,909 --> 00:22:25,843 Campbell's getting too dangerous now. 486 00:22:25,844 --> 00:22:27,845 It's time to kill him. 487 00:22:35,921 --> 00:22:38,889 Now that Danny and Annie are more than just friends, 488 00:22:38,890 --> 00:22:40,391 will they go for broke and fall in love? 489 00:22:40,392 --> 00:22:42,893 Or play it safe and just play around. 490 00:22:42,894 --> 00:22:45,396 Will Jodie ever become Jodie again? 491 00:22:45,397 --> 00:22:47,398 And if not, will Maggie convert? 492 00:22:47,399 --> 00:22:50,401 Who will win the duel, Chester or El? 493 00:22:50,402 --> 00:22:51,902 And what about Burt? 494 00:22:51,903 --> 00:22:53,904 Will his fame cost him his life? 495 00:22:53,905 --> 00:22:55,906 These questions and many others 496 00:22:55,907 --> 00:22:58,910 will be answered in the next episode of Soap. 497 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:03,510 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0